Thursday, June 13, 2013

Big Time Rush: 24/Seven

Okay, so the baby has been running a fever on and off for the past couple of days, and sleeping very much like a child suffering from intermittent hot flashes (by that I mean poorly).  So I am super tired today, like falling-over-and-passing-out-in-my-soup tired, and have zero energy for Serious Music or a Serious Music Review.  Which makes it a PERFECT time to listen to quasi-fake teen beat band Big Time Rush, which Wikipedia tells me was spawned by the Nickelodeon show of the same name, which follows said fake band, which is now kind of a real band by virtue of the show.  Does that make sense?  Think Dethklok's relationship to Metalocalypse, and you pretty much have it.  Which reminds me that I still haven't learned metal guitar.  Damn it.
  • "24/Seven" - first observation: am I slightly scared to listen to this whole album completely sober?  Yes, yes I am, especially since the Rhapsody reviewer calls it "sugary, candy-colored soup".  I'm also currently 1.5 minutes into the song, and I still haven't heard anything worth commenting on.  Cheesy synth music.  Drum machines.  Ooh, now fake handclapping.  And boy-band vocals ("All day every day's a holiday/We don't care what other people say").  Hey, finally some crazy-good advice offered in the peppy lyrics: "Live your life 24/7".  This, I can get behind, since if you only lived your life 24/6, for example, you'd be dead.
  • "Like Nobody's Around" - I'm going to let this song's opening lyrics speak for themselves, and for anyone else who actually plays air guitar just for kicks (I know people do, since there are air guitar contests and all, but I'm just not sure I've met any of them).  And remember, nothing about this, including the backup keyboards and drum machine, is ironic: "I want you to cry/'Cause you're laughin' so hard tonight/Playin' air guitar all right/We're bein' who we are, even if they hate that".  Turns out the only marginally-edgy thing about this track is the chorus since it includes the line "We can do it like nobody's around", which creepy old people like me can go all double-entendre on.  And awesome, now I'm the creepy old guy.
  • "Get Up" - "Get up, get up, get-get-get up!"  Weird synths!  Guitar!  Mixed metaphors! ("I've got a bag full of tricks/Come roll with me") Much like the topping on my favorite buttermilk crullers, my eyes are beginning to glaze.  Sadly, nothing about this song is as tasty as fried dough.
  • "Song For You" feat. Karmin - somehow, I doubt this one is actually for me, but I'll begin with optimism nonetheless.  And no way!, more synths and cheesy vocals involving insanity and brain tattoos (to be fair, I can totally imagine a brain tattoo causing some serious mental health issues, or at least hepatitis-C).  But hey, Karmin brings the tiniest hint of spice to the party with her rapping, which instantly makes this track the best one so far.  Maybe it was for me?
  • "Run Wild" - this song has words AND "music".  What will they think of next???
  • "Crazy For U" - any time I see abbreviations like this (U = "you"), I have to wonder why the band chose to do it for one song and not the others.  Like, why not roll with the theme, and call it "Song 4 U" as well?  Or "We R"?  Or just misspell every single word in every single song, for fun?  Either way, this track appears to be a more detailed rendition of the feelings the band expressed on "Song For You", except without Karmin, and with a slightly more PG, boppy beat ("A ponytail and a pair of sweats/You still look like a perfect ten").
  • "Picture This" - so this song hits all the clich├ęs - picturing first kisses in the moonlight, strolls on the boardwalk, and arcade trips full of giant stuffed monkeys and tokens falling like rain (okay, I might be elaborating slightly more than they do in the song).  And god, it's so squeaky-clean I feel like I need to find a mud puddle to stomp in or something.
  • "Confetti Falling" - um.... so the only thing to talk about in this song is the chorus, which includes the line "Cause your heart calling/Feels like confetti falling".  This is literally the most baffling song line I've heard since starting this blog, and I listened to ALL of Scott Walker's latest, so that's saying something.  First, how can a SOUND feel like anything?  And secondly, - nope, that's it.  My brain just exploded.
  • "Amazing" - oh boy, another one praising how physically attractive the lady friend is, even when she looks like a slob ("Looks good in a dress/Even better in my sweatshirt").  We definitely haven't heard that before on this record.  Did I mention that this is one of the MOST EXPENSIVE albums I've seen in the last 9 months, if not THE most expensive?  Yeah.  Chew on THAT.
  • "We Are" - piano!  Well, let's be realistic, it's probably keyboard.  This song is a straight-up empowerment ballad, complete with vague affirmations and youth-celebrating lyrics ("We are young and dumb/Always chasing something/Hearts like drums/You can hear us coming").  It's also the last one on the record, which makes it my new favorite.  Oh yeah, I said it.
Obviously, this record is not intended for adult humans like myself, and should only be judged for what it is: child-friendly fluff.  So in that respect, it is both appropriate for kids, and as pillowy as an unshaven yak.  Of course, I think the still shot from the video below tells the rest of us exactly what we need to know about this album: it's by four young men who need to wear knee pads in order to fist-pump.  'Nuff said.


  1. Funny Funny Funny. In answer to your somewhat rhetorical question -- I suppose a sonic boom FEELS like a thump in the chest. More to the point -- what does confetti falling feel like??? Doesn't it LOOK like something? Oh, and still is choice.......

    1. The effort on their faces! I truly love it.